The flood of emotions—the fear, the anxiety, the distrust, the silence, the ache of not belonging, everything—can feel like reason enough to build walls around our hearts. These walls may be built of self-protection, hardness, or numbness. But, these walls do more than just shield us from those who may have caused harm. They harden our hearts and shut out our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who wants nothing more than to enter in, heal, and be one with us.

As our hearts were warped by the tragedy of divorce, and the wounds that compounded afterwards, Fr. Alfredo’s message reminds us that the Word can come into our hearts and provide new life.

Every time I would go back to that house...I would silently walk into my old closet. I would spend some time there staring at all of my clothes which seemed to shrink as the years passed. ...At some point, however, it became glaringly obvious that I would never fit into those clothes again. My closet became a time capsule, a glimpse into a life that I once lived.

The Seven Sorrows Rosary is a chaplet prayer that commemorates the seven sorrows of Mary. Each sequence on a seven sorrows rosary has seven beads instead of ten, and there are seven sets of beads... Throughout the devotion we meditate on the maternal sorrows and sufferings of Mary that she lived through as the Mother of God. This is a devotion that I would highly recommend as an ACOD.

Eventually, I found myself at a Blessed is She retreat in which Father John Burns shared a stunning Scriptural message of our Heavenly Father’s love…. Receiving the words he spoke proved to be a pivotal moment in my life.

In a recent study put out by the Center for Economic Studies, data shows that children of divorced parents have an elevated risk of jail time, elevated risk of mortality, increased risk of teen birth, and reduced adult earnings...This study marks a milestone in our scientific community’s recognition of divorce as a trauma...and is a great piece of scientific leverage for our ministry to stand on.

...I was excited to receive a request from Life Giving Wounds to write a book review for Unshakable Saints Around the World... Since I had received so much healing from children’s books already, it made sense to me that a children’s book of Saints would be wonderful for ACODs, both for personal healing, as well as it means for sharing that healing with the children in our lives.

As children of divorce, we did not choose our parents’ separation in the way that a missionary volunteers to go on mission. However, if we choose to embrace our union with Jesus in being torn asunder, then we can begin to experience “the pain of that separation” as a kind of “personal vocation.” In union with Jesus crucified, the pain of being torn asunder can be transfigured.

Experiencing rejection from someone you really like, and feel a connection to, is always a painful experience. For an adult child of divorce (ACOD), it can be painful and challenging in a whole other light. I am speaking from personal experience due to a rejection that I experienced recently. I know I am not alone in this. While living in Spain, I met and began talking to and getting to know a Spanish man. He and I shared the same Catholic faith and the same values. We talked so easily and could speak each other’s languages. I sensed no red flags and felt at peace and hopeful about discerning a dating relationship that I could see coming. I believe that he did, too. I began to feel a connection early on, but, alas, before too much time, he rejected me, with the only reason being that I was a foreigner: I am an American of Mexican heritage.

Our suffering—our wounds—are now no longer meaningless or purely negative; they are also sources of grace and points of intimacy with God. Christ is waiting in our wounds, to show us His particular love for us, in wounds that only He and I share. “The Sacred Heart desires other hearts that are pierced by suffering that he can pour himself into.” (Jacques Philipe, Time for God) In my particular vocation, I am married to Christ, and he is my suffering Spouse. He is nailed to one side of the Cross and I am nailed to the other. That cross in our marriage bed. But this can apply to all souls, because we are all called to union with Christ and have unique wounds that we only share with Christ.

In 2021, Pope Francis established the celebration of the World Day for Grandparents and Elderly, which is the fourth Sunday of July. In 2025, we decided to do something special in preparation for that, and to honor our grandparents along the way.

We asked Adult Children of Divorce or Separation to help us create a series of collaborative blog posts, poems, and/or artwork  which showcase the role their grandparents played in their lives, and how they have aided in the healing journey as children of divorce grow into adulthood. We want to ennoble them with the important role they play in their grandchildren's lives. 

For adult children of divorce, a fear of dating, relationships, and the thought of marriage one day can be very real. As ACODs, we have been profoundly wounded by relationships and marriage. We saw what was meant to last instead fall apart. We were robbed of our need and right to be raised by both of our parents together in the same house, to bear an image and example to us of agape love, which is the kind of love that God has for us. The sacrament of holy matrimony is good, beautiful, and holy. Marriage and family life must follow the vows, which is God’s design and plan for marriage and family life. As children of divorce or separation, we saw distortions of the truth and something beautiful and good turned ugly and undesirable.

There are some unique challenges when it comes to ministering to teens from broken homes. Of course, any ongoing situations of abuse or harm must be reported to appropriate authorities—make sure your church or group has mandatory reporting and training in place to keep minors safe! However, there are many layers of the divorce wound that may not be the kind of thing you can or should report to Child Protective Services (CPS). In these cases, awareness and practical pastoral guidance for these teens is best. Below, I want to outline some of the unique challenges faced by teen children of divorce or separation (TCODs):

Yet there in some cold, darkened room,

A Presence, which wasn’t yet known,

Whose power could pierce through the gloom

All those fears he could rend

That poor heart he would mend

If only his beauty be shown.

My adolescent life was a playground swing.

Back and forth:

Between Mom

And

Between Dad.

I never knew where to go, nor where I belonged.

I didn’t know where home was, for I couldn’t be close to them both.

I have often wondered why, in the long history of the Church, we do not hear more often about saints who lived through difficult family situations. Surely there were plenty, but it is not usually the aspect of their lives that we hear about. And so learning of St. Eugene’s life, and reading through his letters, I found myself grateful to know that I had a friend in heaven who understands my particular pain. Even someone who lived in the 18th and 19th centuries, such as Eugene, experienced similar trials and emotions that we do in the 21st century.

With being an Adult Child of Divorce comes a healing journey that is complicated and messy, at best. This is the most succinct way to describe my own personal healing journey. It is one that I am very much still on, but I know that I am healing and am on the up and up. Like you, my journey has not been linear by any stretch of the imagination. It is one of many turns, bumps and painful feelings resurfacing—but that is because I, like you, am still healing. Healing is not linear;  however, the healing journey is always oriented towards heaven, so we are always headed heavenward in our healing. In this post, I will share six points that have been instrumental and life-changing—for me—in my journey towards healing.

In life, more often than not, we do not get the apology that is due to us. And when we do, it frequently falls short of the words we need to hear. I have come to realize, for my personal situation, there are no words big enough, or deep enough, or sincere enough to compensate for what has been stolen from me.  With this realization, I finally stopped asking and waiting for the apology that does not exist. My pastor says, “It takes one to forgive.  And it takes two for reconciliation.  One can forgive without reconciliation, but one cannot have reconciliation without forgiveness.” I chose forgiveness.

Two key things to remember in working with candidates who are children of divorce are to avoid the extremes and to discern each situation individually. Communities should neither overly fear the effects of divorce on potential members nor gloss over this fact and fail to see the lasting impact it can have (despite the possibility of the person themselves being unaware of its effects). It is often the case that the repercussions of divorce do not surface until young adulthood or the beginning of more intimate relationships. Hence, younger candidates are often able to present well if these issues have not yet manifested. Nevertheless, simply being a child of divorce should not disqualify one from a vocation to the religious life. Rather, each situation should be discerned individually with an eye to the person's understanding of the effect it has had on them personally, their prior healing work, their present manner of being in close relationships, and their openness to further healing efforts should issues arise in the future.

However, the whole point of Lent is to do things that bring us closer to the heart of Jesus. And, if I want to be free to love someone in the vocation of marriage one day, how will I be able to do that if I am still carrying around resentful anger towards my parents? Do they deserve this reaction? Probably, but God loves them just the same as He loves me. So I embarked on a forty plus day journey of loving my parents through the eyes of Jesus Christ, whose love was so big that He died on the Cross for sins that He did not commit (cf CCC 598).